I have a 22-year-old daughter who doesn't want to grow up. Obviously she wanted to turn 18, and even 21, but she doesn't want the responsibilities that come with the privileges one gains by reaching adulthood.
She has some legitimate issues, but many people have overcome the same or worse. They are not physical or mental handicaps, although some might be termed "mental health issues," possibly based on some painful experiences in her elementary school years, or perhaps organic/genetic (I'm not perfect).
In any event, she seems content to live at the Mom Hotel indefinitely, with all expenses paid, including catered meals, while she pursues a "creative venture". While I am "getting by" she is getting haircuts, manicures, buying pricey makeup and custom made costumes, and spending whatever else she gets her hands on on TV box sets of Doctor Who (OK) and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Really?), cigarettes, and candy-flavored vodka. And weed (no judgement from me, if you can afford it, it is smarter and safer than alcohol).
She has ALWAYS had the idea she was talented. although she has never developed any of these talents as she could have. She decided to form a "Cheetah Girls" type band with her friends when she was 12, in spite of being unable to sing, and having no friends who could sing or play any instruments. She thought they could rent the local VFW hall and put on shows and sell tickets. I tried to GENTLY explain that she'd need to learn to play and to sing, find bandmates who ALSO could play and sing, and learn some songs. I also mentioned that, to my knowledge, the VFW isn't going to rent a hall out to pre-teens for an evening, and that she had not given any thought to how to promote the events to generate ticket sales. She got very angry at me for pointing this out, and felt I was "unsupportive". I just wanted her to think things through before she got too excited.
She'd played clarinet in school, but later confided in me that she did not actually PLAY at the recitals, since she did not know how. She "faked" her way through it for several years.
Next was photography. She got her father to purchase a VERY expensive Nikon camera and lenses for her, and even got him to pay for a website for her to promote herself as an event photographer. She figured she would do weddings and other special occasion photography, but never took a lesson until a few months ago... eight years AFTER she decided this was her talent. Now, to be fair, she had a Canon point-and-shoot camera that she used to take some great photos, mostly selfies and nature shots, but had no experience as an event photographer. I asked her why she thought people would hire a 10th grader to shoot their wedding, particularly since she had no portfolio to show them of her prior work.
In addition, she spent alternate weekends in Centreville, Maryland (Eastern Shore) and Silver Spring, MD (near DC) and did not have a drivers license yet. In fact, it was 3 years more before she got a license. Once more, I was the "negative Nellie" for mentioning these issues. I was sort of surprised that her father had paid for the website (which she never did anything with) to support such am unrealistic venture. He is a VERY SMART MAN. But he also likes to give his little girl everything she wants, especially things I have said no to.
She took up guitar, and after I bought her a few guitars, wireless transmitter, big boxes of strings, a gross (that's 144) of picks, and two practice amps, gave up. She went so far as to loan one guitar to a neighbor and it was returned in pieces. She took up keyboard, and took a semester of piano, selected a difficult piece for her final, and performed it well, but that was the end of that.
She followed that the next year with a semester of art. She decided she was a talented artist, and while she did one or two creepy-but-cool canvases, she did at least as many unskilled, unimaginative works as well, and has not picked up a brush since graduating from high school in 2009.
Just before starting her senior year of high school, she met her first real boyfriend, Phil. They were together for almost 2 years, and planning a future, but she cheated on him with several of his friends. She'd always complained about the difficulty she had finding a job in our rural area, although several of her friends had had jobs as baggers at the local Food Lion, or pizza delivery drivers, but all in all, it was better for her to focus on school and the trial of her molester than to find a job at that point.
She graduated at 17 (because of her November birthday) and casually mentioned that she could not wait to turn 18 so she could be a stripper. I flipped. I found out her boyfriend was opposed to the idea too, and I got everyone I knew she'd listen to to tell her that was a bad idea, particularly with her background of childhood sexual abuse.
She was still cutting herself, but not as often, and mainly to manipulate people (she no longer did it secretly, but made sure people KNEW). At my wits end, I told her that if she did it again, we'd be going to the ER, which was almost an hour from our house. When she did it again, I made good on my threat. I'd hoped she would have a mental health evaluation then, or perhaps be admitted to an inpatient facility, but they let her go home. She was angry that I had made her "waste a whole day". I told her that we'd be doing it again if she chose to cut herself again, and that it was up to HER how many days she "wasted" lying on a gurney in a hallway waiting to be seen.
I found a good job at that point, and luckily so, as her 18th birthday marked the end of her father's obligation to pay child support, but she was still living with me, and I provided her food, clothing, housing, utilities, and lots of other perks. But taking the job meant that I commuted 56 miles each way to work so she could attend a PARTICULAR Community College where her friends would be, but after registering, she just stopped going. She still left the house every day, so I would not know. Because she was then 18, the school wasn't telling me ANYTHING. I don't know what she would have told me at the end of the semester when she had no grades, because I caught her one day when I stayed home from work due to snow, and she didn't realize it until she lied and told me she was "at the house between classes". Apparently she did not realize classes were cancelled that day. If she had, she'd have gotten away with it.
She did the same thing the following semester. I had been renting a duplex in Centreville, commuting 56 miles each way to work for two years she could attend Chesapeake with her friends, while I owned the rowhouse in Dundalk that I was renting out for less than the mortgage to people who never paid on time. It was 7 miles from work. After her second "drop out" I informed her we'd be moving. The relationship with her boyfriend was getting serious, she had an engagement ring, so I agreed to let him move in with us. Their plan in the long term was to move to Illinois together once they had saved some money.
The actual move was a disaster. the tenants had trashed the house in the 2 months since I had last visited them, in spite of keeping the place immaculate (if a bit crowded) for 5 years. It took a month of scraping, patching, painting, and removing/replacing flooring before we could even consider moving in. They left owing me about $9K in damages, late fees, and unpaid rent. Lauren was of no help at all, and did not even trouble herself to pack her belongings in advance of the moving truck arriving. Once we got to the new house, she did not unpack her boxes for almost 3 years.
When she turned 18, she quit her meds cold turkey. I paid for her health insurance, but her father covered the copays, so I never noticed she wasn't going to appointments or picking up prescriptions. She told me 4 months later, but at the time, her life seemed to be on track, so I decided the original diagnosis of bipolar disorder (which we were told was a preliminary diagnosis, subject to change) might have been wrong based on her being medicated FOR bipolar, which (logically) would CREATE symptoms of bipolar in someone who was "normal".
THEN she got arrested for shoplifting. She never told me a thing about it... I went to the online case search to see when she was due in traffic court (unrelated) and discovered she had been arrested 3 days earlier. I confronted her. She had already been caught stealing from a KMart before turning 18, and they had listed her in a Retail Theft database and made her pay for the merchandise, but she was not charged. She'd tried to keep that from me as well, but is such a slob that she inadvertently left a letter from an attorney concerning repayment on the floor of her room.
I asked her what she had been thinking stealing AGAIN after getting off as easily as she did the first time. That should have been a warning, and MOST people would have wised up after that. This time, it was more serious, and in Maryland, shoplifting is classified as a drug offense, which made matters worse. I expressed my disappointment, and she swore she had learned her lesson and would NEVER do that again, NEVER wanted to spend another night in jail, etc.
I told her she would need to get a public defender, and get a JOB before her court date. That evening, she went to apply for a job at a major toy store chain, and afterwards, decided to go across the street to the mall to walk around. While she was there, she got caught not once, but TWICE stealing small items from stores. Both store managers called thepolice and both filed charges. She had now succeeded in getting arrested 3 times in 4 days. Her father folded and hired her an attorney who told us he had cut a deal with the State's Attorney to get her probation and community service, by presenting the cluster of offenses as symptomatic of her mental health issues.
I got her back to counseling, and on meds. After two false starts at Community College, she used her third strike to obtain a Veterinary Assistant certificate. I paid for it all, including a large wardrobe of animal-themed scrubs. She had taken Veterinary Medicine in (rural area) high school and loved it. She adores animals.
She lost the toy store job within a few weeks, but living in Baltimore County, suddenly she was able to find work in retail pretty easily, and found a part-time job at the theatre in Arundel Mills fairly quickly. That helped her at court and she ended up with a suspended sentence and supervised PBJ. She also had to do community service, but put it off for so long that she almost failed to complete it on time when we had an early snowstorm a few days before the deadline and she had not fulfilled her required 40 hours of service. She managed to pull it together at the very last minute. I was less than thrilled to learn she'd made new friends... the other people who were doing community service at the same facility!
She was required to go to counseling, take her meds, and go to weekly NA/AA support groups. Each week she had to provide a urine specimen, and they billed my insurance $285 each time. She failed nine consecutive times and was charged with violating her parole. She got lucky the day it went to court and was released on a technicality. Then she switched to "legal smoking herbs" and tested clean for the balance of her probation.
She and the BF fought and broke up constantly and soon he was out of the picture. She got fired from Cinemark. And Panera Bread. Each job was lost due to bad attitude, unwillingness to do her share, or poor attendance.
I got a friend to help her find a job working for a veterinarian. It was hard work, and long days, and she had to deal with people telling her what to do all the time. She hated it, but was earning money doing it. She was fired from that clinic, and the two after it, basically because her enthusiasm waned, she started calling in sick too often, and phoning it in when she went.
One day we were shopping at Hot Topic, and I asked if they were hiring Christmas help. The manager said they were. A few minutes later, I mentioned it AGAIN. I kept dropping OBVIOUS hints about her asking for an application for seasonal help (it was October) and finally had to spell it out, saying "Here's the part where you ask her for an application.". She got the job. where she seemed happy, excited to go to work, and was adored. She fit in well, worked hard, and spent almost every dime she made on discounted merchandise (employee pricing). They kept her on after the holiday season, and she got incremental raises and promotions over the next year or so. She had great sales numbers and was promoted to lower-level management.
After numerous tickets and accidents, her Dad told her she needed to pay her own car insurance after he dropped her from his policies (health insurance and car). I agreed to keep paying for her health insurance until she got a job with a decent benefit package (still waiting). I put her on my car insurance where she got a really incredible rate due to my homeowners insurance and 401K being with the same company. She had MONTHS to save the money for the first car insurance payment.
Just before the car insurance was due, she told me she needed to do overnight inventories at a few Hot Topic stores for extra cash. I'd worked retail in the past, and know some stores prefer to do inventory while closed, so it did not raise red flags. And when insurance was due, she had the money.
Out of the blue, I got a call from her father, reading me the riot act. Apparently she had been working as a stripper all the nights I thought she was at local malls counting t-shirts and CDs. In spite of her lying to me about it, he insisted I had encouraged it, which I did not. In fact, if the precipitating factor was the need for insurance money, HE was the one who created the need. And I had clearly conveyed my objection a couple of years earlier when she had expressed an interest in stripping.
I have a hard time relating to any of this. I don't have the confidence (or the body) to take off my clothes on stage, and can barely clap in time to music, so dancing is totally out for me. I couldn't and wouldn't do it. That doesn't mean I do not understand people doing it. There is a market for it, it can bring in enough to pay for school or support a parent with a small child short term, I don't think it should be anyone's career choice. The "shelf-life" of a stripper is what? 10 years? Age 20-30?
Worst of all was that she was a very tiny girl, 90 pounds or so. I was worried about what could have happened to her between the club and her car, and if she had vanished, I would have begin searching with the mall as my hub, working outward from there. Even if her car was right where she had left it, I would not have found it for DAYS! After some discussion she said she wasn't really happy with it, it was hard work, and she ached after a shift, so she quit.
Fortunately, she still had the job at Hot Topic, and it was pretty close to full-time. She was next in line for a promotion to a "lower management" position. Then her manager moved to a different store and she got a new manager. A guy. A good looking guy. He was 10 years older than her, and drowning in debt, and she put both of their jobs at risk when she "seduced" him, in spite of him being in a (admittedly not very good) relationship of several years duration (the only reason he had moved to Maryland at all).
She actively pursued him, and used progressively tinier outfits to get his attention. They got together, and he immediately left his girlfriend. Within a few weeks, after I got to know him, I learned he'd been living on credit for a long time, had no savings, and after paying his bills, did not have money left for food (he was REALLY thin), he moved in with us, so he would have a chance to clear up some of his debts by NOT having to pay for food or housing or utilities for 18 months, then they were going to move out together. Even I will admit that it seemed a good match at first. It also helped me because I worried less about her knowing he was taking care of her. He seemed to be a stabilizing influence and for the first time in years, I did not find myself worrying constantly about her.
He had to get a PO Box so Hot Topic would not realize they had the same mailing address and fire them both (fraternization policy). They found out anyway and Lauren was transferred. She got a lot less hours and lost key privileges at the new store. She soon got caught shoplifting from her store, which they'd have expected if they had done a background check and realized she had been arrested 3 times inside of 4 days for shoplifting in 2010. She was fired, and had to pay back what she had taken. She is lucky they did not file charges, as she was unlikely to get pBJ (probation before judgment) again. As it was, she was eligible to have her criminal charges expunged 3 years after completing her probation, UNLESS she was charged with another crime in the interim.
None of this impacted her boyfriend's position with the company, and he stayed on for a year longer, before changing to a job with more stable hours and better pay and benefits. Meanwhile, She said she was applying for jobs. I sent her job leads regularly, but nothing seemed to materialize.
She mentioned going back to school. She lamented the fact that she needed to take a remedial math course and a "Freshman Orientation" course to get in, and initially I wrote her the check she needed for tuition for the 2 classes. When I found out after she had registered that she had signed up for a couple of non-credit art classes instead, I got the college to refund most of what I had paid for the semester, and told her to look for a job.
She got another veterinary-related job, hated it, and ended up losing the job when she had to have a lot of dental work done and became unreliable. She already was having problems fitting in with her co-workers, so it was more an excuse to get rid of her, I think.
She took a "job" selling paintings out of her car, despite my warnings that it was a "scam". As her quotas increased each week she soon found she was out 10-12 hours a day and bringing home $10. She was reluctant to admit I was right, until there was an issue with them wanting her to go out of town to sell elsewhere. I did some research and found out it was NOT a good idea, and managed to convince her to quit.
She is cute. Pretty even in the right makeup and clothes, and from the right angle. Personally, I'd say she is gorgeous, but she is my daughter so OF COURSE I think so. She has an eye for wardrobe and makeup. She also has that Nikon camera, and she took a few self-timer shots of herself and began trying to market herself as a "model" via facebook and some "model sites" like "Model Mayhem", "Sins Girls", etc.
She attended a few "Graffiti Warehouse Meet & Greets" where models pose for a few shots with a photographer and provide contact information. She got a lot of calls from the photographers, and it seemed she had a "shoot" almost every Saturday and Sunday. She bragged about a guy who paid $125 an hour, always took her BF along, and NEVER did nudes. She was posting a lot of lingerie photos online, which (as a Mom) I disliked, but she was always covered. The camera loves her, luckily at any weight. She started off weighing 90+ pounds but has gained 40, along with a fair bit of "jiggle" in the thighs and belly areas. She hasn't got much chest, so she never posed topless. Rather, she wore several padded bras simultaneously to simulate proportional breasts.
She decided that she really wanted to do burlesque. She found a local club open 2 nights a week that is more "burlesque" and less "strip" and began working there (although I was supposed to keep this from her Dad). The money was not great, but she enjoyed it, and her boyfriend, who had since gotten a good warehouse-manager job he loved Monday-Friday had to drive her back and forth to the club on weekends as well as her photo shoots. He was paying off debt, paying for the things they did together, and I was providing housing, food, and utilities with almost nothing left for myself.
In time, I learned that the majority of her photo shoots were not paid. She was basically going to some pervy old man's basement and taking off most of her clothes for him to take pictures. I was glad she had an "escort" but wondered how long he intended to wear himself out running around at all hours, 7 days a week, when none of her work was helping them financially. She always swears she is on the verge of a huge break.
But I also see that 1 in 10 girls online has "model" listed as their career, and assume it is a facebook phenomenon. There is no way ALL of these girls will make it big, anymore than every band, even the exceptionally good ones, will necessarily be successful on a grand scale.
I have recently noticed that a NUMBER of my friends from real life play in bands, do poetry readings, etc. I have also begun to notice that almost all of them have "day jobs". I do not know all they do get by, but am taking the small number of gigs they perform as an indication that this part of life is now just something they enjoy doing, and do "on their own time". At best, I assume they are able to pay for equipment out of what you make, but that they do not count on it to pay your bills.
M does IT during the day to provide for his family, so he can play with his band on Weekends. K is an electrician so he can play music on the weekends and STILL afford a big expensive house. S ended up playing weddings and bar mitzvahs, but works weekdays at a talent agency. J DJs and does karaoke so he can be home during the day with a disabled child while his wife works. D plays with a band and does poetry readings, when he is not at his tech support job at a loudspeaker company. W sells hand painted restored art-guitars he designs in his spare time, while working and raising a family. I assume NONE of these people expected to be doing this. I bet EVERY ONE anticipated being rich and famous. Some compromised more than others, but all made compromises. All managed to find a way to keep performing, and at least half found jobs that keep them in touch with the industry.
She had remained in counseling after her probation ended, and kept taking her meds, but the counselors she was seeing were useless. There was a lot of turnover, she had one counselor who would text her at 10PM about personal stuff, and every time she saw the psychiatrist, they changed her meds. She STILL had not had an official diagnosis by age 22. With Doug's support, she decided to stop the counselor and meds for a month and then go somewhere else, somewhere reputable, where she could get an accurate diagnosis. (Truth is, SOCIOPATH describes her to a T) That was in JANUARY 2014.
In June, I decided to move in with a long-time friend who I'd begun dating a few months prior so she and her BF could have their own place without having to find one and move. All I asked was that they start paying the utility bills (BGE and internet), while I continued to pay the other house-related expenses, but as soon as the first round of bills came, she had decided she didn't want him around anymore.
Now this alone is nuts. He was one of the few really decent guys in the world, good looking, and had enough of the "tough guy" in him to be in good shape, pierced and tattooed (the way she likes them) but also smart, sweet, reliable and generous. He was understanding of her shortcomings and forgave things I wouldn't have. He found an apartment and I helped him move and gave him a few things to help him out. I feel like I lost a son, and am deeply grateful that he has kept in touch and still sees me as a surrogate Mom.
She's done nothing but go off the rails since then. She is always busy, but never working. She will pose for nude and fetish photos for almost anyone that asks, whether or not she knows them. She will meet them in any location and I feel like THAT is risky. It was not SO bad when Doug was going along to keep her safe (and she was keeping covered up), but with him gone, she does nastier stuff than she would before and never tells anyone where she is going. She goes to BDSM Dungeon stuff and LBGTQ stuff, and wants to be known as sort of "freaky."
In any case, it went back to me paying the bills, buying her food, and she no longer had a bodyguard to take her to/from the burlesque job (which also involved drinking and I didn't like the idea of her driving home drunk) or her "modeling" gigs. She can't afford food, she can't afford internet, she can't afford to run the AC the way she does, but it doesn't seem to occur to her that she SHOULD help out.
Most of the kids she finished high school with are either living alone or with room-mates, have one, or even two jobs, some are engaged or married, and even have children. The rest are either in grad school or otherwise becoming more independent. She has no desire to do any of those things.
She wants to be a rich and famous model, and wants to be known as sort of "freaky" between the piercings, the "parties" or "events" she attends (I am so out of touch I don't even know the right word, but sex parties/orgies/swinging) and posting the details online. When she has a problem in life, whether it is waiting too long for her food at Taco Bell, or some guy sending her inappropriate photos (considering the photos she posts, she ought to expect them) she takes to the internet to complain, with liberal use of the "F-bomb". I don't think she understands that this makes her look VERY unprofessional.
I also don't think she has thought much beyond next week as far as how her current activities, and the juvenile posts she uses as "sympathy-bait" will affect her in the future as she gains too much weight or "ages out" of the stripping and modeling, much less the social implications. Most guys don't expect to meet a virgin these days, but they also don't want to be with a girl who has screwed everyone in the phone book.
Threats to "throw her out" (her words) cause my daughter to become melodramatic... telling me she will have to be a prostitute, or will be vulnerable to being raped if she is homeless. I see her point, and obviously do not want her to do either of these things. However I don't think they are REALLY her ONLY options.
I plan to retire in a dozen years or so and can't do that if I am still paying her way. If I outlive her, I have NO IDEA who will take care of her. Unfortunately, I fear that her "lifestyle" may not be conducive to her outliving me. I don't know which scares me more.
Although she lives "at home" (though I don't, so I am not sure how relevant that is), at age 22, she can apply for (and no doubt qualify, as she has no "declared" income since a dollar tucked in the garter doesn't get reported) food stamps at least, and possibly other assistance. I do not WANT her on public assistance, but I also need to wean her off of relying on me for everything. She can apparently afford recreational drugs, hotel rooms for conventions, a week at the beach, meals out, cigarettes, alcohol, concert tickets, clothes, makeup, manicures, pedicures, hair cuts and colors, while I can't get an Egg McMuffin for breakfast without giving up something else to do it.
I am trying to figure out (as someone who never had a "talent") how to help her to accept that you do not have to give up what you love doing completely; that it can become an expensive hobby, that either funds itself or is subsidized by your "discretionary" income as determined by a BUDGET that you set up based upon your SALARY at a PAYING job. Everyone has some kind of hobby they funnel their "extra" money into. It could be motorcycles, classic cars, music, or show dogs... but you have to have a way to pay for it that won't mean expecting someone ELSE to pick up the tab for your day-to-day life.
She won't put a dish into the sink, stays up all night playing video games, and sleeps all day. She doesn't get the difference between "want" and "need". I have tried asking her what will become of her if I die. My life insurance is not enough to pay off the house she is currently living in, rent free. Where would she go.? How would she live? She has no answers.
I offered Lauren (who will soon turn 23) the same deal I had offered her when she was with Doug; my rowhouse to live in FREE OF RENT. The only provision was that she keep the place presentable, and pay the internet and gas & electric bills. I gave her 3 months to get the hang of caring for herself and the house before paying a dime. I sent her the copies of the paid utility bills monthly so she'd know the approximate cost. November 1 she was supposed to take over those bills, while I pay the mortgage, water & sewer bill, trash collection, and lawn guy.
She has known since July 2 that she needed to take care of certain things or I was going to rescind the offer... She was allowed to set her own deadlines for things like visiting social services (food stamps, energy assistance), seeing a counselor and job hunting, provided she was in counseling at least 30 days before November 1, and taking any and all prescribed medications. To date, she has NO counseling appointment set, has not been to Social Services (SHE set the date of October 15), and the only "job hunting" she is doing is auditions for burlesque performances. She could have had her shoplifting charges expunged a few days ago but has not lifted a finger to start the process.
Friday (10/10), Lauren knew I was coming by for my mail. She told me she would be out. Based on the amount of mail crammed in the mailbox and between the doors, I doubt she had been home in DAYS. The kitchen wasn't CLEAN, but the trash can wasn't overflowing, just full; there were a couple of dishes on the counter but not too many, and a couple of pizza and carry-out boxes. I figured she hadn't gotten to it and would remedy the situation when she got home.
When I opened my mail, I learned she also ran up more than $200 in EZPass charges in the last 2 months. She has NO JOB. What is she doing? Circling the beltway all day and night? I do not CARE that her "bestie" Amber hasn't got a car or license and lives on the Eastern Shore. That is not my fault or any of my business. All I know is that it is a 100 mile round trip, plus $5+ in tolls every time she goes there. She needs to cut ties with Amber (who is also unemployed, which helps keep Lauren from looking for work) and take care of the house in Dundalk. I can't afford to pay her way in the world. She is about to be 23 and has been out of high school for 5 years. She has a CRIMINAL history, but no work history to speak of. She sleeps all day, and parties all night.
Still annoyed by learning of this unexpected expense, I went upstairs to use the bathroom and noticed the guest room door was open and the floor was littered with piles of cat poop. Before I left, I checked their food and water. Both were empty, so I filled them and texted Lauren about the situation, which I termed UNACCEPTABLE. I got her standard "It won't happen again" reply.
I again told her I was stopping by for mail Wednesday (10-15), and again she stated she would be out with "a friend". I assumed she had gotten around to cleaning the mess in the kitchen, since both garbage day and recycling day had just passed, AND I had texted her about it just 4 days before.
I got there and the cats MET ME AT THE DOOR. One is generally sociable, but the other tends to hide because she has some medical issues that make being touched uncomfortable, so I was surprised. Her cry was so hoarse the first thing I did was check the water dish. Dry as a bone. Food was empty too. I filled both immediately, although I had to fight a cloud of itty bitty flies to get to the sink for water.
The house smelled SOOO bad, and there were dishes piled in the sink and on the counter with even MORE carryout and pizza boxes than before! I could hardly walk through the kitchen for all the boxes and bags of trash.
She has some legitimate issues, but many people have overcome the same or worse. They are not physical or mental handicaps, although some might be termed "mental health issues," possibly based on some painful experiences in her elementary school years, or perhaps organic/genetic (I'm not perfect).
In any event, she seems content to live at the Mom Hotel indefinitely, with all expenses paid, including catered meals, while she pursues a "creative venture". While I am "getting by" she is getting haircuts, manicures, buying pricey makeup and custom made costumes, and spending whatever else she gets her hands on on TV box sets of Doctor Who (OK) and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Really?), cigarettes, and candy-flavored vodka. And weed (no judgement from me, if you can afford it, it is smarter and safer than alcohol).
She has ALWAYS had the idea she was talented. although she has never developed any of these talents as she could have. She decided to form a "Cheetah Girls" type band with her friends when she was 12, in spite of being unable to sing, and having no friends who could sing or play any instruments. She thought they could rent the local VFW hall and put on shows and sell tickets. I tried to GENTLY explain that she'd need to learn to play and to sing, find bandmates who ALSO could play and sing, and learn some songs. I also mentioned that, to my knowledge, the VFW isn't going to rent a hall out to pre-teens for an evening, and that she had not given any thought to how to promote the events to generate ticket sales. She got very angry at me for pointing this out, and felt I was "unsupportive". I just wanted her to think things through before she got too excited.
She'd played clarinet in school, but later confided in me that she did not actually PLAY at the recitals, since she did not know how. She "faked" her way through it for several years.
Next was photography. She got her father to purchase a VERY expensive Nikon camera and lenses for her, and even got him to pay for a website for her to promote herself as an event photographer. She figured she would do weddings and other special occasion photography, but never took a lesson until a few months ago... eight years AFTER she decided this was her talent. Now, to be fair, she had a Canon point-and-shoot camera that she used to take some great photos, mostly selfies and nature shots, but had no experience as an event photographer. I asked her why she thought people would hire a 10th grader to shoot their wedding, particularly since she had no portfolio to show them of her prior work.
In addition, she spent alternate weekends in Centreville, Maryland (Eastern Shore) and Silver Spring, MD (near DC) and did not have a drivers license yet. In fact, it was 3 years more before she got a license. Once more, I was the "negative Nellie" for mentioning these issues. I was sort of surprised that her father had paid for the website (which she never did anything with) to support such am unrealistic venture. He is a VERY SMART MAN. But he also likes to give his little girl everything she wants, especially things I have said no to.
She took up guitar, and after I bought her a few guitars, wireless transmitter, big boxes of strings, a gross (that's 144) of picks, and two practice amps, gave up. She went so far as to loan one guitar to a neighbor and it was returned in pieces. She took up keyboard, and took a semester of piano, selected a difficult piece for her final, and performed it well, but that was the end of that.
She followed that the next year with a semester of art. She decided she was a talented artist, and while she did one or two creepy-but-cool canvases, she did at least as many unskilled, unimaginative works as well, and has not picked up a brush since graduating from high school in 2009.
Just before starting her senior year of high school, she met her first real boyfriend, Phil. They were together for almost 2 years, and planning a future, but she cheated on him with several of his friends. She'd always complained about the difficulty she had finding a job in our rural area, although several of her friends had had jobs as baggers at the local Food Lion, or pizza delivery drivers, but all in all, it was better for her to focus on school and the trial of her molester than to find a job at that point.
She graduated at 17 (because of her November birthday) and casually mentioned that she could not wait to turn 18 so she could be a stripper. I flipped. I found out her boyfriend was opposed to the idea too, and I got everyone I knew she'd listen to to tell her that was a bad idea, particularly with her background of childhood sexual abuse.
She was still cutting herself, but not as often, and mainly to manipulate people (she no longer did it secretly, but made sure people KNEW). At my wits end, I told her that if she did it again, we'd be going to the ER, which was almost an hour from our house. When she did it again, I made good on my threat. I'd hoped she would have a mental health evaluation then, or perhaps be admitted to an inpatient facility, but they let her go home. She was angry that I had made her "waste a whole day". I told her that we'd be doing it again if she chose to cut herself again, and that it was up to HER how many days she "wasted" lying on a gurney in a hallway waiting to be seen.
I found a good job at that point, and luckily so, as her 18th birthday marked the end of her father's obligation to pay child support, but she was still living with me, and I provided her food, clothing, housing, utilities, and lots of other perks. But taking the job meant that I commuted 56 miles each way to work so she could attend a PARTICULAR Community College where her friends would be, but after registering, she just stopped going. She still left the house every day, so I would not know. Because she was then 18, the school wasn't telling me ANYTHING. I don't know what she would have told me at the end of the semester when she had no grades, because I caught her one day when I stayed home from work due to snow, and she didn't realize it until she lied and told me she was "at the house between classes". Apparently she did not realize classes were cancelled that day. If she had, she'd have gotten away with it.
She did the same thing the following semester. I had been renting a duplex in Centreville, commuting 56 miles each way to work for two years she could attend Chesapeake with her friends, while I owned the rowhouse in Dundalk that I was renting out for less than the mortgage to people who never paid on time. It was 7 miles from work. After her second "drop out" I informed her we'd be moving. The relationship with her boyfriend was getting serious, she had an engagement ring, so I agreed to let him move in with us. Their plan in the long term was to move to Illinois together once they had saved some money.
The actual move was a disaster. the tenants had trashed the house in the 2 months since I had last visited them, in spite of keeping the place immaculate (if a bit crowded) for 5 years. It took a month of scraping, patching, painting, and removing/replacing flooring before we could even consider moving in. They left owing me about $9K in damages, late fees, and unpaid rent. Lauren was of no help at all, and did not even trouble herself to pack her belongings in advance of the moving truck arriving. Once we got to the new house, she did not unpack her boxes for almost 3 years.
When she turned 18, she quit her meds cold turkey. I paid for her health insurance, but her father covered the copays, so I never noticed she wasn't going to appointments or picking up prescriptions. She told me 4 months later, but at the time, her life seemed to be on track, so I decided the original diagnosis of bipolar disorder (which we were told was a preliminary diagnosis, subject to change) might have been wrong based on her being medicated FOR bipolar, which (logically) would CREATE symptoms of bipolar in someone who was "normal".
THEN she got arrested for shoplifting. She never told me a thing about it... I went to the online case search to see when she was due in traffic court (unrelated) and discovered she had been arrested 3 days earlier. I confronted her. She had already been caught stealing from a KMart before turning 18, and they had listed her in a Retail Theft database and made her pay for the merchandise, but she was not charged. She'd tried to keep that from me as well, but is such a slob that she inadvertently left a letter from an attorney concerning repayment on the floor of her room.
I asked her what she had been thinking stealing AGAIN after getting off as easily as she did the first time. That should have been a warning, and MOST people would have wised up after that. This time, it was more serious, and in Maryland, shoplifting is classified as a drug offense, which made matters worse. I expressed my disappointment, and she swore she had learned her lesson and would NEVER do that again, NEVER wanted to spend another night in jail, etc.
I told her she would need to get a public defender, and get a JOB before her court date. That evening, she went to apply for a job at a major toy store chain, and afterwards, decided to go across the street to the mall to walk around. While she was there, she got caught not once, but TWICE stealing small items from stores. Both store managers called thepolice and both filed charges. She had now succeeded in getting arrested 3 times in 4 days. Her father folded and hired her an attorney who told us he had cut a deal with the State's Attorney to get her probation and community service, by presenting the cluster of offenses as symptomatic of her mental health issues.
I got her back to counseling, and on meds. After two false starts at Community College, she used her third strike to obtain a Veterinary Assistant certificate. I paid for it all, including a large wardrobe of animal-themed scrubs. She had taken Veterinary Medicine in (rural area) high school and loved it. She adores animals.
She lost the toy store job within a few weeks, but living in Baltimore County, suddenly she was able to find work in retail pretty easily, and found a part-time job at the theatre in Arundel Mills fairly quickly. That helped her at court and she ended up with a suspended sentence and supervised PBJ. She also had to do community service, but put it off for so long that she almost failed to complete it on time when we had an early snowstorm a few days before the deadline and she had not fulfilled her required 40 hours of service. She managed to pull it together at the very last minute. I was less than thrilled to learn she'd made new friends... the other people who were doing community service at the same facility!
She was required to go to counseling, take her meds, and go to weekly NA/AA support groups. Each week she had to provide a urine specimen, and they billed my insurance $285 each time. She failed nine consecutive times and was charged with violating her parole. She got lucky the day it went to court and was released on a technicality. Then she switched to "legal smoking herbs" and tested clean for the balance of her probation.
She and the BF fought and broke up constantly and soon he was out of the picture. She got fired from Cinemark. And Panera Bread. Each job was lost due to bad attitude, unwillingness to do her share, or poor attendance.
I got a friend to help her find a job working for a veterinarian. It was hard work, and long days, and she had to deal with people telling her what to do all the time. She hated it, but was earning money doing it. She was fired from that clinic, and the two after it, basically because her enthusiasm waned, she started calling in sick too often, and phoning it in when she went.
One day we were shopping at Hot Topic, and I asked if they were hiring Christmas help. The manager said they were. A few minutes later, I mentioned it AGAIN. I kept dropping OBVIOUS hints about her asking for an application for seasonal help (it was October) and finally had to spell it out, saying "Here's the part where you ask her for an application.". She got the job. where she seemed happy, excited to go to work, and was adored. She fit in well, worked hard, and spent almost every dime she made on discounted merchandise (employee pricing). They kept her on after the holiday season, and she got incremental raises and promotions over the next year or so. She had great sales numbers and was promoted to lower-level management.
After numerous tickets and accidents, her Dad told her she needed to pay her own car insurance after he dropped her from his policies (health insurance and car). I agreed to keep paying for her health insurance until she got a job with a decent benefit package (still waiting). I put her on my car insurance where she got a really incredible rate due to my homeowners insurance and 401K being with the same company. She had MONTHS to save the money for the first car insurance payment.
Just before the car insurance was due, she told me she needed to do overnight inventories at a few Hot Topic stores for extra cash. I'd worked retail in the past, and know some stores prefer to do inventory while closed, so it did not raise red flags. And when insurance was due, she had the money.
Out of the blue, I got a call from her father, reading me the riot act. Apparently she had been working as a stripper all the nights I thought she was at local malls counting t-shirts and CDs. In spite of her lying to me about it, he insisted I had encouraged it, which I did not. In fact, if the precipitating factor was the need for insurance money, HE was the one who created the need. And I had clearly conveyed my objection a couple of years earlier when she had expressed an interest in stripping.
I have a hard time relating to any of this. I don't have the confidence (or the body) to take off my clothes on stage, and can barely clap in time to music, so dancing is totally out for me. I couldn't and wouldn't do it. That doesn't mean I do not understand people doing it. There is a market for it, it can bring in enough to pay for school or support a parent with a small child short term, I don't think it should be anyone's career choice. The "shelf-life" of a stripper is what? 10 years? Age 20-30?
Worst of all was that she was a very tiny girl, 90 pounds or so. I was worried about what could have happened to her between the club and her car, and if she had vanished, I would have begin searching with the mall as my hub, working outward from there. Even if her car was right where she had left it, I would not have found it for DAYS! After some discussion she said she wasn't really happy with it, it was hard work, and she ached after a shift, so she quit.
Fortunately, she still had the job at Hot Topic, and it was pretty close to full-time. She was next in line for a promotion to a "lower management" position. Then her manager moved to a different store and she got a new manager. A guy. A good looking guy. He was 10 years older than her, and drowning in debt, and she put both of their jobs at risk when she "seduced" him, in spite of him being in a (admittedly not very good) relationship of several years duration (the only reason he had moved to Maryland at all).
She actively pursued him, and used progressively tinier outfits to get his attention. They got together, and he immediately left his girlfriend. Within a few weeks, after I got to know him, I learned he'd been living on credit for a long time, had no savings, and after paying his bills, did not have money left for food (he was REALLY thin), he moved in with us, so he would have a chance to clear up some of his debts by NOT having to pay for food or housing or utilities for 18 months, then they were going to move out together. Even I will admit that it seemed a good match at first. It also helped me because I worried less about her knowing he was taking care of her. He seemed to be a stabilizing influence and for the first time in years, I did not find myself worrying constantly about her.
He had to get a PO Box so Hot Topic would not realize they had the same mailing address and fire them both (fraternization policy). They found out anyway and Lauren was transferred. She got a lot less hours and lost key privileges at the new store. She soon got caught shoplifting from her store, which they'd have expected if they had done a background check and realized she had been arrested 3 times inside of 4 days for shoplifting in 2010. She was fired, and had to pay back what she had taken. She is lucky they did not file charges, as she was unlikely to get pBJ (probation before judgment) again. As it was, she was eligible to have her criminal charges expunged 3 years after completing her probation, UNLESS she was charged with another crime in the interim.
None of this impacted her boyfriend's position with the company, and he stayed on for a year longer, before changing to a job with more stable hours and better pay and benefits. Meanwhile, She said she was applying for jobs. I sent her job leads regularly, but nothing seemed to materialize.
She mentioned going back to school. She lamented the fact that she needed to take a remedial math course and a "Freshman Orientation" course to get in, and initially I wrote her the check she needed for tuition for the 2 classes. When I found out after she had registered that she had signed up for a couple of non-credit art classes instead, I got the college to refund most of what I had paid for the semester, and told her to look for a job.
She got another veterinary-related job, hated it, and ended up losing the job when she had to have a lot of dental work done and became unreliable. She already was having problems fitting in with her co-workers, so it was more an excuse to get rid of her, I think.
She took a "job" selling paintings out of her car, despite my warnings that it was a "scam". As her quotas increased each week she soon found she was out 10-12 hours a day and bringing home $10. She was reluctant to admit I was right, until there was an issue with them wanting her to go out of town to sell elsewhere. I did some research and found out it was NOT a good idea, and managed to convince her to quit.
She is cute. Pretty even in the right makeup and clothes, and from the right angle. Personally, I'd say she is gorgeous, but she is my daughter so OF COURSE I think so. She has an eye for wardrobe and makeup. She also has that Nikon camera, and she took a few self-timer shots of herself and began trying to market herself as a "model" via facebook and some "model sites" like "Model Mayhem", "Sins Girls", etc.
She attended a few "Graffiti Warehouse Meet & Greets" where models pose for a few shots with a photographer and provide contact information. She got a lot of calls from the photographers, and it seemed she had a "shoot" almost every Saturday and Sunday. She bragged about a guy who paid $125 an hour, always took her BF along, and NEVER did nudes. She was posting a lot of lingerie photos online, which (as a Mom) I disliked, but she was always covered. The camera loves her, luckily at any weight. She started off weighing 90+ pounds but has gained 40, along with a fair bit of "jiggle" in the thighs and belly areas. She hasn't got much chest, so she never posed topless. Rather, she wore several padded bras simultaneously to simulate proportional breasts.
She decided that she really wanted to do burlesque. She found a local club open 2 nights a week that is more "burlesque" and less "strip" and began working there (although I was supposed to keep this from her Dad). The money was not great, but she enjoyed it, and her boyfriend, who had since gotten a good warehouse-manager job he loved Monday-Friday had to drive her back and forth to the club on weekends as well as her photo shoots. He was paying off debt, paying for the things they did together, and I was providing housing, food, and utilities with almost nothing left for myself.
In time, I learned that the majority of her photo shoots were not paid. She was basically going to some pervy old man's basement and taking off most of her clothes for him to take pictures. I was glad she had an "escort" but wondered how long he intended to wear himself out running around at all hours, 7 days a week, when none of her work was helping them financially. She always swears she is on the verge of a huge break.
But I also see that 1 in 10 girls online has "model" listed as their career, and assume it is a facebook phenomenon. There is no way ALL of these girls will make it big, anymore than every band, even the exceptionally good ones, will necessarily be successful on a grand scale.
I have recently noticed that a NUMBER of my friends from real life play in bands, do poetry readings, etc. I have also begun to notice that almost all of them have "day jobs". I do not know all they do get by, but am taking the small number of gigs they perform as an indication that this part of life is now just something they enjoy doing, and do "on their own time". At best, I assume they are able to pay for equipment out of what you make, but that they do not count on it to pay your bills.
M does IT during the day to provide for his family, so he can play with his band on Weekends. K is an electrician so he can play music on the weekends and STILL afford a big expensive house. S ended up playing weddings and bar mitzvahs, but works weekdays at a talent agency. J DJs and does karaoke so he can be home during the day with a disabled child while his wife works. D plays with a band and does poetry readings, when he is not at his tech support job at a loudspeaker company. W sells hand painted restored art-guitars he designs in his spare time, while working and raising a family. I assume NONE of these people expected to be doing this. I bet EVERY ONE anticipated being rich and famous. Some compromised more than others, but all made compromises. All managed to find a way to keep performing, and at least half found jobs that keep them in touch with the industry.
She had remained in counseling after her probation ended, and kept taking her meds, but the counselors she was seeing were useless. There was a lot of turnover, she had one counselor who would text her at 10PM about personal stuff, and every time she saw the psychiatrist, they changed her meds. She STILL had not had an official diagnosis by age 22. With Doug's support, she decided to stop the counselor and meds for a month and then go somewhere else, somewhere reputable, where she could get an accurate diagnosis. (Truth is, SOCIOPATH describes her to a T) That was in JANUARY 2014.
In June, I decided to move in with a long-time friend who I'd begun dating a few months prior so she and her BF could have their own place without having to find one and move. All I asked was that they start paying the utility bills (BGE and internet), while I continued to pay the other house-related expenses, but as soon as the first round of bills came, she had decided she didn't want him around anymore.
Now this alone is nuts. He was one of the few really decent guys in the world, good looking, and had enough of the "tough guy" in him to be in good shape, pierced and tattooed (the way she likes them) but also smart, sweet, reliable and generous. He was understanding of her shortcomings and forgave things I wouldn't have. He found an apartment and I helped him move and gave him a few things to help him out. I feel like I lost a son, and am deeply grateful that he has kept in touch and still sees me as a surrogate Mom.
She's done nothing but go off the rails since then. She is always busy, but never working. She will pose for nude and fetish photos for almost anyone that asks, whether or not she knows them. She will meet them in any location and I feel like THAT is risky. It was not SO bad when Doug was going along to keep her safe (and she was keeping covered up), but with him gone, she does nastier stuff than she would before and never tells anyone where she is going. She goes to BDSM Dungeon stuff and LBGTQ stuff, and wants to be known as sort of "freaky."
In any case, it went back to me paying the bills, buying her food, and she no longer had a bodyguard to take her to/from the burlesque job (which also involved drinking and I didn't like the idea of her driving home drunk) or her "modeling" gigs. She can't afford food, she can't afford internet, she can't afford to run the AC the way she does, but it doesn't seem to occur to her that she SHOULD help out.
Most of the kids she finished high school with are either living alone or with room-mates, have one, or even two jobs, some are engaged or married, and even have children. The rest are either in grad school or otherwise becoming more independent. She has no desire to do any of those things.
She wants to be a rich and famous model, and wants to be known as sort of "freaky" between the piercings, the "parties" or "events" she attends (I am so out of touch I don't even know the right word, but sex parties/orgies/swinging) and posting the details online. When she has a problem in life, whether it is waiting too long for her food at Taco Bell, or some guy sending her inappropriate photos (considering the photos she posts, she ought to expect them) she takes to the internet to complain, with liberal use of the "F-bomb". I don't think she understands that this makes her look VERY unprofessional.
I also don't think she has thought much beyond next week as far as how her current activities, and the juvenile posts she uses as "sympathy-bait" will affect her in the future as she gains too much weight or "ages out" of the stripping and modeling, much less the social implications. Most guys don't expect to meet a virgin these days, but they also don't want to be with a girl who has screwed everyone in the phone book.
Threats to "throw her out" (her words) cause my daughter to become melodramatic... telling me she will have to be a prostitute, or will be vulnerable to being raped if she is homeless. I see her point, and obviously do not want her to do either of these things. However I don't think they are REALLY her ONLY options.
I plan to retire in a dozen years or so and can't do that if I am still paying her way. If I outlive her, I have NO IDEA who will take care of her. Unfortunately, I fear that her "lifestyle" may not be conducive to her outliving me. I don't know which scares me more.
Although she lives "at home" (though I don't, so I am not sure how relevant that is), at age 22, she can apply for (and no doubt qualify, as she has no "declared" income since a dollar tucked in the garter doesn't get reported) food stamps at least, and possibly other assistance. I do not WANT her on public assistance, but I also need to wean her off of relying on me for everything. She can apparently afford recreational drugs, hotel rooms for conventions, a week at the beach, meals out, cigarettes, alcohol, concert tickets, clothes, makeup, manicures, pedicures, hair cuts and colors, while I can't get an Egg McMuffin for breakfast without giving up something else to do it.
I am trying to figure out (as someone who never had a "talent") how to help her to accept that you do not have to give up what you love doing completely; that it can become an expensive hobby, that either funds itself or is subsidized by your "discretionary" income as determined by a BUDGET that you set up based upon your SALARY at a PAYING job. Everyone has some kind of hobby they funnel their "extra" money into. It could be motorcycles, classic cars, music, or show dogs... but you have to have a way to pay for it that won't mean expecting someone ELSE to pick up the tab for your day-to-day life.
She won't put a dish into the sink, stays up all night playing video games, and sleeps all day. She doesn't get the difference between "want" and "need". I have tried asking her what will become of her if I die. My life insurance is not enough to pay off the house she is currently living in, rent free. Where would she go.? How would she live? She has no answers.
I offered Lauren (who will soon turn 23) the same deal I had offered her when she was with Doug; my rowhouse to live in FREE OF RENT. The only provision was that she keep the place presentable, and pay the internet and gas & electric bills. I gave her 3 months to get the hang of caring for herself and the house before paying a dime. I sent her the copies of the paid utility bills monthly so she'd know the approximate cost. November 1 she was supposed to take over those bills, while I pay the mortgage, water & sewer bill, trash collection, and lawn guy.
She has known since July 2 that she needed to take care of certain things or I was going to rescind the offer... She was allowed to set her own deadlines for things like visiting social services (food stamps, energy assistance), seeing a counselor and job hunting, provided she was in counseling at least 30 days before November 1, and taking any and all prescribed medications. To date, she has NO counseling appointment set, has not been to Social Services (SHE set the date of October 15), and the only "job hunting" she is doing is auditions for burlesque performances. She could have had her shoplifting charges expunged a few days ago but has not lifted a finger to start the process.
Friday (10/10), Lauren knew I was coming by for my mail. She told me she would be out. Based on the amount of mail crammed in the mailbox and between the doors, I doubt she had been home in DAYS. The kitchen wasn't CLEAN, but the trash can wasn't overflowing, just full; there were a couple of dishes on the counter but not too many, and a couple of pizza and carry-out boxes. I figured she hadn't gotten to it and would remedy the situation when she got home.
When I opened my mail, I learned she also ran up more than $200 in EZPass charges in the last 2 months. She has NO JOB. What is she doing? Circling the beltway all day and night? I do not CARE that her "bestie" Amber hasn't got a car or license and lives on the Eastern Shore. That is not my fault or any of my business. All I know is that it is a 100 mile round trip, plus $5+ in tolls every time she goes there. She needs to cut ties with Amber (who is also unemployed, which helps keep Lauren from looking for work) and take care of the house in Dundalk. I can't afford to pay her way in the world. She is about to be 23 and has been out of high school for 5 years. She has a CRIMINAL history, but no work history to speak of. She sleeps all day, and parties all night.
Still annoyed by learning of this unexpected expense, I went upstairs to use the bathroom and noticed the guest room door was open and the floor was littered with piles of cat poop. Before I left, I checked their food and water. Both were empty, so I filled them and texted Lauren about the situation, which I termed UNACCEPTABLE. I got her standard "It won't happen again" reply.
I again told her I was stopping by for mail Wednesday (10-15), and again she stated she would be out with "a friend". I assumed she had gotten around to cleaning the mess in the kitchen, since both garbage day and recycling day had just passed, AND I had texted her about it just 4 days before.
I got there and the cats MET ME AT THE DOOR. One is generally sociable, but the other tends to hide because she has some medical issues that make being touched uncomfortable, so I was surprised. Her cry was so hoarse the first thing I did was check the water dish. Dry as a bone. Food was empty too. I filled both immediately, although I had to fight a cloud of itty bitty flies to get to the sink for water.
The house smelled SOOO bad, and there were dishes piled in the sink and on the counter with even MORE carryout and pizza boxes than before! I could hardly walk through the kitchen for all the boxes and bags of trash.
I held my breath and put as many dishes as possible into the dishwasher and started it. The food in some was set up so hard I could pick up the bowl by the spoon! Those I put in the sink and filled with water to soak. I took out bags and boxes of recycling, and filled ALL THREE outdoor garbage cans.
Total... 5 minutes.
Why couldn't she have found 5 minutes to do this? I did not scrub floors or wipe the counters or anything, but it was a huge improvement. It's far from perfect, but smells better and you can walk through the room now. I KNOW I should not have done this for her, but my house was becoming infested with flies and the cats were suffering.
I had to pee again this time, so I went upstairs and found MORE cat crap in the bathroom doorway. Dried and old. I was livid. I texted her about it, and to see if she had accomplished any of the OTHER goals (since the housekeeping obligation obviously wasn't being met). When I mentioned all the cat poo upstairs, she said "I never go up there". EXCUUUSE ME? There is no shower anywhere else BESIDES upstairs!
I get that having been molested is part of the problem, but I moved heaven and earth to get her counseling and take her there, get her on meds, stand by her through the trial and parole hearings, and I want to see a little less attitude and a little more GRATITUDE for what she has.
I am applying for an Emergency Mental Evaluation. She needs help and I'm not getting through. When I ask her to do ANYTHING, it is always "tomorrow".
Total... 5 minutes.
Why couldn't she have found 5 minutes to do this? I did not scrub floors or wipe the counters or anything, but it was a huge improvement. It's far from perfect, but smells better and you can walk through the room now. I KNOW I should not have done this for her, but my house was becoming infested with flies and the cats were suffering.
I had to pee again this time, so I went upstairs and found MORE cat crap in the bathroom doorway. Dried and old. I was livid. I texted her about it, and to see if she had accomplished any of the OTHER goals (since the housekeeping obligation obviously wasn't being met). When I mentioned all the cat poo upstairs, she said "I never go up there". EXCUUUSE ME? There is no shower anywhere else BESIDES upstairs!
I get that having been molested is part of the problem, but I moved heaven and earth to get her counseling and take her there, get her on meds, stand by her through the trial and parole hearings, and I want to see a little less attitude and a little more GRATITUDE for what she has.
I am applying for an Emergency Mental Evaluation. She needs help and I'm not getting through. When I ask her to do ANYTHING, it is always "tomorrow".
